Trigger Warning: This blog post addresses orthorexia nervosa, an eating disorder centered on obsessive healthy eating. If you’re sensitive to discussions about eating disorders, it’s okay to step back if needed or seek support. Your well-being matters most. Let’s approach this topic with compassion and understanding.
Have you ever felt guilty after eating unhealthy foods, leading to a desire for cleaner eating to prevent potential health issues? Or have you considered exercising to offset the calories from yesterday’s heavy dinner? For 15 years, I held these mindsets with my orthorexia eating disorder.
In our society today, we normalize disordered eating habits. We tend to celebrate individuals as success stories when they lose a lot of weight or opt for healthier food choices. This doesn’t mean losing weight or enjoying your preferred foods is inherently negative. As the saying goes, having too much of anything is not good. These habits aren’t any more healthy if they become an obsession or if they interfere with our normal lives.
I wasn’t mindful that I had an eating disorder not until the awareness about orthorexia is on the rise recently. In this blog post, I’m going to unpack my story and share how this happened, how it started, and how was I able to heal my relationship with food and recovered from this eating disorder.
Background Before My Eating Disorder
Growing up as a kid, people already considered me large due to my height and body structure. I never had an eating disorder. Back then, orthorexia wasn’t known yet. I never really cared how I looked not until other people started to point things at me.
Body Shaming In Filipino Families and Culture
In Filipino families and culture, we normalize body comments and body shaming in our society. This is evident during family reunions and gatherings. When someone finally sees you after a long time, the first thing a family member might say about you is:
“Nanambok naman ka uy!” (You’ve gotten so fat!)
“Nagniwang lagi ka! (You’ve gotten so thin)
“Kailangan na jud ka magpaniwang.” (You need to lose weight)
Instead of saying, “How are you?” The first thing that I notice when someone sees you is your body. It’s as if the things that matter about me are just my weight and how I look.
Relatives or people didn’t start commenting on my weight until I was around 11 or 12 years old. I became an overweight kid at that age and I started to feel insecure with myself.
Social media was still not a thing in 2007. Mainstream media, including magazines like Candy or Seventeen, television ads featuring enhanced celebrity appearances, and reality shows like America’s Next Top Model and Project Runway, were still very popular during that time.
The Start Of My Orthorexia Eating Disorder
Feeling disgusted with my overweight body, I embarked on a “clean eating” journey months before my elementary graduation. I cut out meat and consumed only vegetables, fruits, and rice, despite being used to consume varied food source. I also avoided processed foods like sugar, bread, and canned goods, labeling them as “bad foods.” Whenever I consume those “bad foods”, I would always to eat pineapples, papaya, or an L-Carnitine beverage, believing they would help burn and detoxify my body from the foods I considered unhealthy.
Through time, I lost weight. People started to notice and comment on how slender I’ve become. I remember when my parent’s friends would ask them, “Where’s your fat child? I haven’t seen her in a while.” My mom would eventually answer that I am that kid. That person was astounded to see me skinny. Somehow, my mom would praise me for my ‘healthy’ eating habits and other people would see me as a ‘fitspiration’ as a result.
During my 15 years of this orthorexia eating disorder, it lingered in my mind that “Yes. I was that fat kid and I don’t want to be any more called like that.”
My parents never pointed out about my body. I just always remember when we’re in public or when we watch television where they would comment if they see a fat person. Everytime they see a fat person, they always comment about how huge that person’s body is or just point through their lips which is a funny but true Filipino trait. Those things would always linger in my head.
My Orthorexia Eating Disorder When I Was A Student
In hindsight, I did not realize that it was the beginning when my worth, value, and time would be equated with how I look and my brain space would be consumed with eating clean, dieting, and exercising for the next 15 years. Somehow, these acts became my revenge for people who used to comment about my large body as a kid. That’s why I’ve lingered with that childhood trauma through my orthorexia eating disorder for a long time.
By high school, I wasn’t a sociable teen and only had a few friends that I went with. I often found myself comparing with other girls at our school. Among my classmates, I admired those who were tall, slender, outgoing, and had a modelesque appearance. I aspired to be like them too.
The beginning of my exercising journey was doing situps and lifting weights. I regularly do a hundred sit-ups. At that time, it was a fad that you can have abs when you do repetitive sit-ups. I constantly check my body in the mirror after I do workouts and my image would be fixated with my stomach. Eventually, I would be disappointed if I had a bloated stomach. In my mind, I’ll always find ways on how to make my waist smaller so I can have those ab lines similar to those in the magazines. This has been my routine yearly, especially every summer break. I diet and exercise at home so when classes resume, I will be in my new slender self. As a result, I got slender during high school. I got obsessed with eating clean. I continued omitting processed foods as I thought that they would make my stomach bloated and my face so puffy.
Also, it was this time that I became a fan of America’s Next Top Model, Binibining Pilipinas, Miss Universe, and other beauty pageants. People would comment that I can be a model or a beauty queen because of my height and physique. So, I was thinking why not make it my dream? That mindset influenced me a lot to diet and exercise constantly through time.
College came and that was when I started running. Running has become a part of my routine. Even though I have classes during the day, I make sure to run in the mornings so my metabolism won’t slow down. Also, instead of resting during the weekends, I make sure to run in the mornings even though I’m still sleepy and tired. I would just tell myself that I am undisciplined if I don’t run that day.
At school, I also prepare and bring my lunch. Instead of eating rice, I have sweet potatoes and the usual vegetable viand I have. I remember how my friends and lunchmates would say how healthy I am because I’m eating clean and asked for tips on how I stay skinny. Somehow, this boosted my confidence and likewise gave them advices on what they should and shouldn’t do. Also, I would eat a fruit during dinner. If there’s no fruit at home, I always make sure to buy fruits at the local market before going home. Even though my mom would cook a sumptuous dinner or would take out some food, I refused to eat it and still opted to eat a fruit. If I have classes during the night, that’s the time I eat a rice meal and eventually, I think I was eating heavy calories so I ensure to go for a run the next day and drink Del Monte Fit n’ Right as it has L-carnitine which they say could burn fat. The majority of our garbage sack would be filled with those bottled beverages. This has been my mindset and eating habits during college.
As I’ve mentioned previously, it was also my dream at that time to join beauty pageants or be a model one day. I was dieting and exercising so I could be at my best body if there was an opportunity to join one but at that time, I was still not confident in myself even though I was already skinny as I kept on comparing myself with those pageant girls I saw on television. I was thinking that if I just reached this goal weight or goal body like this model or beauty queen, that was the time when I’d eventually join a pageant or be a model. Thinking about it right now, beauty standards are a subjective topic and what we see on social media is a false sense of reality.
It was also in college when my parents started Herbalife. Somehow, my orthorexia eating disorder worsened here since we always have weigh-ins. They have those weighing scales that, they say, could scan your body fat, bone mass, muscle mass, and water percentage. Looking back at it right now, I think it doesn’t tell one’s overall health and I don’t think those numbers tell those things. Every morning, I was always weighing myself after I woke up to make sure that I didn’t gain a single pound. I would be very much disappointed whenever I gain a single pound after eating out or eating a lot a day before that weigh in.
When I Joined The Workforce
After I graduated from college, I immediately landed a job at a bank. My orthorexia eating disorder habits continued by eating clean, restricting myself, and exercising. I recall the comments from my officemates about my thin and fit physique. However, someone once remarked that I might eventually gain weight like another girl who had worked there for a few years. I thought to myself, “No, I won’t become like that girl you’re referring to because I’m disciplined. I prioritize exercise and maintain a clean diet.” That was my motivation to stay skinny. It etched in my mind that it became my sole motivation to not gain weight while I was in the workforce.
Working in the bank became a pressure for me to look in a certain especially here in the Philippines. There’s a standard that if you work in a bank, people expect you to be poised, beautiful, and made-up.
A year after working at the same company, I was forced to join a bank pageant since I was a newbie there. I was glad that we did not wear swimsuits because I was insecure with my body. Despite that, I still prepared physically to be at my best self. I go to the gym every day after work. I maintain a restrictive diet to prevent bloating. Despite this routine, I still felt dissatisfied with my appearance. In hindsight, I realize I was already quite thin. There were days when I lacked the energy to exercise, and I dreaded going to the gym, yet I pushed myself to go anyway.
During these years, I almost joined an annual local pageant here in our city. I was encouraged by my college classmate who was the title holder a year prior. She referred me to her beauty camp handler to prepare and train for the pageant in the coming months. On the first day, I was there to train myself for the question and answer portion and to practice walking in 6-inch heels. However, my self-esteem took a hit when the mentor pointed out my belly fat, suggesting I needed to lose it because it was jiggling. I was supposed to train again the next day, but I backed up since I couldn’t sustain the rigid training. I realized I wasn’t in my confident self yet to strut my body on the stage in front of thousands of people watching me.
Likewise, I decided to join a modeling workshop months after that. Even though I won’t be joining a pageant, at least I know how it feels like to walk on stage and be confident. Yes, I was happy with the pictures as I walked on stage but I was still pin-pointing the imperfect parts of myself that are fat or large. My collarbones were a huge part of me since people have been admiring how I look like a model because of it. It might look good in pictures that time, but looking back at it right now, I wasn’t at my healthiest self as I was starving and restricting myself with foods as a result of my orthorexia eating disorder.
Also, it was this time when traveling was so hyped that you always see your friends’ social media posts on where they went. I greatly envied those girls who flaunt their bikini bodies. I always compare myself on how my body is not the same as theirs. So, I also got into traveling that time. Before I travel, I ensure that I diet and exercise, especially when we go to beach destinations so I would have that bikini body. Thinking about it right now, people on social media often use filters and photo editing tools to enhance their appearance. Their photos project a certain image of themselves using angles, and good lighting to make themselves look different from how they are in real life. Those perfect bodies I saw are not real.
I worked for 5 years there at that company and I was able to live my life, and go for runs after work since I got to clock out at 5pm. I enjoyed those early 5 years of my life but then, I always think about food, eating clean, and exercising.
The pandemic happened and I transferred to another bank. Right there, my lifestyle drastically changed. Unlike before when I just ate a fruit during dinner, I began to eat heavy dinner since there are times that we go home late to render overtime or I arrive home at night as my commute time got longer. By the time I arrive home, I also usually eat a lot since I don’t have time to take breaks to eat snacks and I got to spend only a few minutes for lunch breaks. My running routine also paused because aside from that I go home late, and I prefer to sleep during the weekends instead of exercising. Also, I got frustrated with my body majority of instances I still exercise at 8 pm or 9 pm after eating dinner even though my body is already tired because I was afraid of gaining weight. Nonetheless, I slightly gained weight that time because of the change in my routine. I did not weigh myself but I can assess with the tighter fit of the clothes I always wear.
I just worked at that company for a year and I took a hiatus from work to reassess my life priorities. So, I got back to running and exercising but I slowly transitioned to fix my relationship with food at that time. I’ve been following social media influencers, such as Jo Sebastian and Bree Lenehan, who inspired me to heal my relationship with food.
Almost Relapse With My Eating Disorder
By 2023, I started working remotely. I was working at home and my lifestyle changed. Though I got to go for brisk walking and hiking after work, my lifestyle became sedentary. I splurge more on foods that I was previously restricting when I still had a disordered relationship with food. This time, I gained around 30 pounds which is the body that I have right now.
At first, I was so disappointed with myself because I don’t any more fit in my favorite pants. People started to comment that I’ve gained weight.
I looked back at my previous photos where I still have my collarbones and a slender figure. I have that part of me that wants to go back to that body. So, I attempted to go back to my disordered eating habits for almost a week where I just ate oatmeal for breakfast, half a cup of rice for lunch, and a fruit for dinner. Like what I felt before, I was always hungry and thinking about food. After a week, I realized that my mental health was not in a good place when I tried it.
My Recovery Journey At Present
“I’m not going to sacrifice my mental health to have a perfect body.” – Demi Lovato
I got to the breaking point that I got tired of only thinking about food, exercising, and my body. Compared with my life and my changed mindset right now, I’m so much freer that I don’t anymore feel guilty whenever I eat the ‘bad foods’ that they label. I no longer feel the need to exercise excessively to compensate for a large meal I ate the night before.
I view exercise as a means to strengthen my body so I can still walk distances when I grow old. I do sit-ups so I can have a strong core to perform. I go for runs or hikes to increase my stamina and energy during the day. I do plank exercises or lift weights so I can carry heavy things when doing chores.
My orthorexia eating disorder with the obsession of eating clean stemmed from wanting to be accepted and to have a sense of belongingness in our groups. Losing weight, dieting, and exercising are not the only purpose of my life. I never realized how much potential I could offer to this world without involving my body as a way to measure my worth.
I unfollowed social media accounts that would trigger my eating disorder and followed those that would inspire me to take care of my body and nurture it.
At the same time, I do hope that we stop body shaming or fat shaming our friends and family members since we never know what they’re going through or what habits they’re doing right now with their food. Our words might potentially harm them which might cost their lives. I do my best to talk about other things when I’m with my friends instead of commenting on their bodies.
Most of all, the mindset I had for 15 years is not sustainable in the long run. Yes, it’s good to exercise and to choose the food you like but if it becomes your obsession and your daily preoccupation, it’s not worth it to go into such an endeavor. I may have gained 30 pounds and I might not anymore go back to my early 20s body, but at this point of my life, my mental health is my number one priority as it is essential for my overall well-being. Just because a person is slender or in a large frame, doesn’t mean that he or she is healthy or not. Body weight and size are not an indicator of a person’s overall well-being. If I opted to go through motherhood, my malnourished body would not support the growing human being I’d carry. In every stage of my life, my body is ever-changing and growing.
At the end of the day, if I reach the age of 70 or 80, I won’t mind what I look like and what diets I partake in during my younger years. Instead, I will remember the memories and experiences I shared with those people that matter in my life.
Closing Thoughts and Realizations
It was noted that eating disorders are a silent epidemic in our society today. With the influence of social media, diet culture and unrealistic beauty standards are engraved in our minds which affects people regardless of age, gender, and race. Some did not have the chance to recover. Hopefully, this story I shared, would inspire others to look into themselves to heal as we only have one body in our lifetime.
With my 15-year orthorexia eating disorder, I realized how I’ve been so unkind with my body. I’ve been punishing it and depriving it of nutrients that I need, but it still kept me alive for the past 28 years. My body enabled me to experience enjoyable things, let me take to beautiful places to witness Mother Nature’s beautiful creation, and allowed me to bond with my friends and family.
Lastly, to you who are reading this blog post, I wanted you to know that you are beautiful just the way you are, you are enough, and you don’t need to be in a certain size or figure to live your life. You deserve a life without obsession or fear around food.
